Commercial Sleeptalk February 25, 2009

Last night, my cousin, Cherry Mary Muffin (a nickname my Dad gave her as a child), gave me a call (I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was asleep when she called). We managed to have an entire conversation quoting our favourite commercials (specifically infomericals). Here’s a little taste of what was said:

Me: OMG! Every time I see the Whiskas commercial featuring Hubert, I think of you. “I’m a carnivore. I need meat. MEAT.”

Cherry Mary Muffin: Yes! The part with him on the roof and he gives the camera the cold shoulder.

M: Hilarious! By the way. What’d you think of the slap chop?

CMM: You’re gonna love my nuts. (note: please watch the linked video above to get a full understanding of the rest of this conversation).

M: You don’t want a boring life! You don’t want a boring salad! Stop having a boring life!

CMM: These onions are making me cry. These onions are making you cry. You don’t wanna cry anymore. Listen, we’re gonna make America skinny.

M: Did you hear that Billy Mays call out Vince on Adam Corolla?

CMM: No!Have you seen his informercial for Mighty Mend-It?

M: Is it the “sewing” tool for single men?

CMM: Yes! Like glue! How do you feel about the Snuggie?

M: I feel I need it in sage green! My goodness, seriously one of the best products ever. I love the dramatization of life pre-Snuggie.

CMM: Just wear a robe the wrong way!

M: It’s not the same.

CMM: There’s a Snuggie rip-off, you know?

M: Yes, and it’s double the price. What’s it called again?

CMM: Hang on. I’m looking into it. The Slanket!

M: Not as good. I think, next Christmas, I’m buying all of my gifts from infomercials. Makes life easier. My Dad will get an Aquaglobe, Snuggies for the family, you can have a commemorative Obama coin, how about the Slap Chop with Gratey gift?

CMM: If you think about it, with the Slap Chop and Gratey, you really get two gifts in one.

M: No, they need to be gifted together. Otherwise, you’re having a boring life. You know, Vince is really creepy looking. I checked out his Wiki page, the one you sent me, and movies about feces? SICK!!!

CMM: Tell me about it.

M: Alright dude. I’m out. Come over next week.

CMM: Later. Meat.

And there you have a phone conversation between me and my cousin. It’s a wonder I don’t talk on the phone more often.

Tense Shoulders and Scented Oils February 23, 2009

For my birthday, I got a giftcard to the Stillwater Spa located in the Park Hyatt, Toronto. I was quite excited as I’ve heard that the massage there is quite incredible.

I decided to save my massage for a day in the middle of winter, when I’m depressed due to S.A.D. and just need a quick getaway. Massage date finally came yesterday! I got there a bit early, not sure what to expect, and was very impressed with the ladies lounge. Gorgeous jacuzzi, cute private saunas and all the flavoured tea a girl can enjoy. I threw on my robe and sandals and enjoyed myself. There’s something about walking in public, in a robe that just makes me feel free, I really wish I could do it more often.

I met Dimitry, my masseuse. This was the first time I’ve had a male masseuse, so I wasn’t sure what to expect, if his level of normal pressure would be the same as that of a woman and so on. He was excellent and even gave me a “that’s what she he said” moment: “Would you like me to go deeper?” Of course he was referring to the amount of pressure I wanted. I splurge for the warm booties and heated neck pillow during my massage which made it all the better.

My only problem was (and I do this everytime), whenever I’m offered scented oils I say, “Ooh, yes. Please tell me what you have available.” I know better than to get scented oils, scented oils give me headaches. Alas, I opted for a citrus oil and of course, upon completion of massage, I stood up and felt this terrible headache.

One thing I did realize though is that I have a hard time relaxing. I am just naturally tense. Dimitry pointed this out to me yesterday, if my shoulders weren’t tense, then my jaw was clenched, if my fingers weren’t in a fist, then my toes were curled up. I had this same problem when I was doing yoga, I had to quit after a while as my jaw was clenched so hard during class that it brought on headaches. Maybe the best way for me to relax is during an intensely competitive game. I think I feel most relaxed then. Strange? I think so. I need to learn to relax when it’s due, otherwise, I’m out $200, still tense and with a scented oil induced headache.

Music is my Savior February 18, 2009

At least it used to be. I can’t find THAT SONG that will help me forget that I have 6572349058405647567 things on my to-do list, or drown out that voice that fills my ears with dread, that then makes its way to my brain a rattles the most sensitive of nerves, that then… well, you get the picture.

I used to be able to turn on my iPod and my tense shoulders would relax, my teeth would no longer clench, I wouldn’t care so much about things that shouldn’t bother me. I wanna be carefree again.

Please, I need new music. I need my new Canned Heat.

On an unrelated, yet somewhat related note. I loved the song, Canned Heat, so much that I actually wanted to get the lyrics tattooed onto the heels of my feet. I have a habit of making up my own lyrics to songs and apparently did so with this song but convinced myself they were the actual lyrics. Fortunately, I shared this tattoo idea with a friend who corrected me before I tattooed anything.

Here’s what I thought the lyrics were: I’ve got candy in my heels tonight, baby.

Actual lyrics: I’ve got canned heat in my heels tonight, baby.

It really doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out I was wrong. After all, the song is named CANNED HEAT. Ah to be youthful, dumb and immediately ready to make life-altering decisions again.

Photo courtesy of me back in my youthful, dumb, carefree and dance loving days, that’s passion right there. Passion.

Cat vs. Bottle February 17, 2009

I was sharing a drink with a girlfriend this weekend when our server asked, after glancing at my hand, if I had a “crazy cat or something”. I took a look at the backs of my hands and noticed how bad they’ve gotten. Penelope has bitten them to the point of embarrassment. Seriously. I don’t even want to imagine what the scarring will look like in a few weeks. My career dreams of becoming a hand model have gone down the crapper like George’s did.

Once we cleared out, I made a stop at a dollar store to hunt down a spray bottle. I’m going to train P to be good, whether she likes it or not. Yesterday was Day 1 and it went surprisingly well. I keep the spray bottle at my side and she’s learning that following my “no” will be a spray. Fortunately, she doesn’t like it.

Conditioning is key. Some examples:

knocking down my reed diffuser, drowning my glasses in scented oils – SPRAY

jumping onto my humidifier – SPRAY

gnawing my hand – SPRAY

pulling Kleenex out of the box – SPRAY

jumping into the garbage and removing all of its contents – SPRAY

She hasn’t quite stopped doing these things but she’s learning to not do it more than once.  Which is a start, right?

Thanks to hippohere on Flickr for the photo.

It’s a Canadian Thing February 10, 2009

It’s February 10 and 9C (48F) in Toronto today…qu’est-ce que c’est? It’s hard to believe that we’ve got plus-degree weather up in here. And of course, like true Canadians, the moment the weather report is anything about freezing people roam the streets in shorts and light sweaters (even if it’s only +1C – which is esentially freezing).

There are also those brave souls who don’t seem affected by the cold weather at all and wear shorts throughout the winter…even when it’s -20C. My favourite and most reliable weather man in the GTA, Dave Devall (who is retiring this year) even made a funny Intervention-esque commercial about this (except there’s no duster in this one).

I have a feeling this early thaw is just a tease. It seems like we’ve had an annual dumping of snow in early April for the past few years and I’m over it! The snow is going to melt, but then temperatures will drop below freezing overnight, causing all of the melted snow to turn to ice, making my walk to the subway the next morning disasterous. This is what happened this morning. I’m sure those in their vehicles had a good laugh watching me attempt to cross the street without falling. Please salt/sand your sidewalks, pedestrians need to get places, too!

Thanks to opobs on Flickr for the picture.

Unintentional Participation…Thank Goodness February 6, 2009

Phew. Thank goodness I listened to my inner food devil and gave into a piece of bread smothered with Nutella last night. Yesterday was World Nutella Day and I only discovered this today. Who knows what would’ve happened had I not observed this day.

I love Nutella, it’s my favourite condiment, really. I remember, as a child (and sometimes as an adult), I used to eat it by the spoonful. One summer, my cousins and I were at the cottage, all seven of us were sitting in the great room passing around a jar of Nutella and a spoon and I’m positive we managed to polish off that jar in 10 minutes or so.

Mmmmm…Nutmella (as I so affectionally refer to it ever now and then). Have you had it? Do you love it?

Image courtesy of moog on Flickr.

Fighting off a case of S.A.D. February 5, 2009

S.A.D. aka Seasonal Affective Disorder. If you haven’t dealt with it yet, LUCKY, although I can assure you that you are either in denial or too young. It gets dark far too early, it’s cold, like bone chilling cold, so cold I almost considered calling in sick to work this morning and wrapping myself in my houndstooth knit blanket, with a glass of red and a pile of chick flicks (or trashy TV).

I caught myself feeling the symptoms of S.A.D. early on. Not wanting to go out, hoarding food, a case of the grumpies and dry skin. I knew well enough to nip that sucker in the bud!

But how? I thought, purchase the S.A.D. lamp? Heck no, I can put my hard earned money to better use such as the Mouthwatering Thai Curries cooking class I’m taking soon, or the new purse I just bought (in a much nicer colour), or the concerts I’m considering going to, or the spa day I’m booking for next weekend.

So, this is my solution for S.A.D. Spend a bunch of money you don’t have and you’ll forget all about the blahness that is the dead of winter. Although, once Spring arrives I may just be normal sad as I will be in major loads of debt. This is why I propose that the government issue a S.A.D. reimbursement or our office insurance policies allow us to reimburse any purchases that were made in order to prevent S.A.D. Really, think about it, if we’re happier we’re working better, harder, faster, longer, is this not what every employer wants of their employees. Just consider it.

I hope the negative degree weather isn’t drying your skin, chapping your lips and making you sad. Don’t fret that the various groundhogs around the continent saw their shadows earlier this week, its not their fault as it was mainly sunny that day, its the fault of science and light. So, little ones, only 6 more weeks to go, take some time to head out and face S.A.D., don’t let it win! Hibernation doesn’t look good on anyone… even bears.