Remember way back in primary school, you were friends with everyone in your class? And in high school your freshmen yearbook was signed, “Have a great summer!” by just about everyone? In your last year of high school you only had your core group of friends sign your yearbook and it was always something personal? A flashback to inside jokes and such. It seems that with every year you add onto your life, you lose one friend or more.
I feel like I’m a step ahead of most of my friends. I’ve finished school (in the traditional sense of the word – I’m always looking to go back and learn more), I’ve got my career started, I have ambitions to prove myself to the company I work for and better myself for my future. A lot of my friends on the other hand are in school and working part-time jobs. There isn’t anything wrong with this at all, sometimes I just get the feeling that some of them just don’t understand where I’m coming from and why I’m not the person I used to be.
I think I’m at a place now where I don’t want to let go of some of my friends and am trying to salvage the friendship in hopes that we’ll make it through until they get to the “working girl” stage too but it’s been really difficult. There is an immense amount of tension at times and I feel resentment – from both sides, mine and theirs. Obviously, recent situations have caused me to rethink some friendships and with the help of one of my besties, Krysta – who is one of the smartest, most rational, creative, amazing, sensitive, professional, ambitious – I could go on, really – people I know, helped me come to this conclusion (or at least the beginnings of one):
In times when I’m confronted with a negative situation, I immediately get on defense (who doesn’t?) and want to act irrational. Fortunately, with age, I’ve discovered not to act immediately, instead sleep on it and then react…seems reasonable and is. The irrational part of me wants to place blame on someone, even myself if it is called for, but in the situation I’m dealing with right now, I don’t think blame is to be put on anyone. I don’t think that I’ve done wrong and I don’t think the other party has done wrong. None of us are evil or act maliciously and don’t intend to cause harm upon others.
I think this is a simple case of misunderstanding. While I used to be able to drop everything I was doing to run to a friend in need, as much as I want to sometimes, I just can’t anymore. Either because I don’t have a car readily available and a two hour transit ride really defeats the purpose of coming right away, doesn’t it? And sometimes I just feel uncomfortable asking one of my friends to pick me up from the bus terminal.
I was told yesterday that I need to work on getting my priorities in order but upon further reflection, I do think they’re in order. Right now, I’m working on becoming more independent, part of the reason why I’m out of my parents’ house and not relying on their financial support. This involves a lot of self reflection and ‘me’ time. I’ve spent countless nights sitting home alone, doing nothing and loving it. I know I can hang out by myself and still feel like I’ve had a great night and prior to this, I would get a mad case of cabin fever. I think I need to make people aware that as I grow older, I have more responsibilities and more things occupying my time and although it may seem selfish to them now, I think that when they’re at the ‘working girl’ stage, they’ll understand and be doing it themselves. I feel like I have a fairly good balance of work, friends, work friends, boyfriend, school friends, family, Penny time and me time and there are times when one factor may occupy more time than the rest but that’s life, is it not? Recently, I’ve felt like work’s been occupying more of my time but I like work, I love what I do, I love that it stresses me out at times and that I have opportunities to take on extra projects that fall outside of my immediate job description. I’m working really hard right now in hopes that it will payoff someday soon and have me that much closer to reaching my career (and financial) goal for myself and my future family.
I should wrap this up as it’s getting far too long. Although I’ve changed over the past year or two, the love I have for my friends hasn’t. I’m still always there for them and although it’s not as easy to make time to see them, I’m always a phone call away, an email away, etc. We need to learn to adapt to each other because we’re not the same people we were at 19, we won’t be the same people at 38 and same goes for when we’re 64. When we all start popping out kids, I think we’ll be lucky to see each other at birthdays and holidays. When this happens, I want to know that my friends will be there for me (and I, for them) when they need me – not always, but when they can. I also don’t want them to crucify me for those times that I can’t be there for them whether it’s every other week, once a month, on birthdays or even once a year. It’s all love, all the time.
